I totally understand that once you become a wife and mother, your life is no longer your own. I get that, but does that mean that I can’t have at least 15 minutes alone? Hell, I can’t take a shower without hearing someone call my name, which has been changed to mommy and honey.

Since the kids went back to school today I thought that I could spend some time doing a few things for myself. On my list of things to do were, get a mani/pedi and pick up a non school related book. That was my plan. Instead I spent the morning shopping with Craig for a new cell phone, because he totally had to have my input. Once we got home, I couldn’t escape him and his new phone. So my day off turned into a lesson about how to really appreciate the Helio Heat. By the time the kids came home from school I was so frustrated that I just walked right out the front door. I only left for an hour, and I hate to admit it, but it was the best hour I’ve ever had. I got a cuppa tea and just sat at the park.

There are a few changes about to take place in my home. My family has to realize that I need some space and that it’s not the end of the world if I spend a few hours away from home…hell I’ll even settle for being in different room in the house.

I didn’t go to the gym today because it was so pretty out. The truth is that I really didn’t feel like doing anything, but I managed to take the kids to the park, which turned into a hike that lasted about 2 hours. Good Times! I appreciated the time with my kids, but I hated the hills so freaking much and there were so many!

So far this “diet” thing is going well. My only problem is food. The southern girl in me knows nothing but deep frying and lots and lots of butter (thanks grandma!). So I’m spending a great deal of time searching for healthy alternatives to my usual fudge covered brownies or my nutella cookies (Giada rocks!).

I have 30lbs to lose and I would really like to shed them before the family and I head out to NY to visit his son and ex-wife. I have to let her know that I’m the second greater wife! Seriously though I have major “issues” when it comes to her. She’s smart and pretty (not beautiful, just pretty) and just seems to have her ish together. I on the other hand feel inadequate when I’m in her presence, not to mention the in-laws like to bring her up every time I go to visit. This is why I live in the SF section of Barnes and Noble.

I am always learning new and exciting things about myself. Recently I learned that not all of the decisions I make will lead down a disasterous road. Everyday I’m learning to trust myself more and doubt my abilities a little less. I can’t begin
to tell you how awesome this revoluation feels to me, because as I post this, there are tears of happiness. I haven’t felt this good in a long time and I think I deserve to be this happy 24/7.

When I allow myself to actually reflect on my past I think the one regret I will always have is allowing myself to believe that I wouldn’t amount to anything. I’m still in the process of proving myself wrong. As I get closer and closer to actually starting college I think of some other mountain I want to climb. I get excited about all the things that I can accomplish in my life, because for the first time ever I really believe that I can.

Things have been a little chaotic in my home lately. The fighting between the hub and I has started up again, leaving me feeling more inadequate than ever before. I just want to live a comfortable and peaceful life. I don’t understand why that’s so hard to do. I’m making all the change that I can, and I still can’t erase the drama that surrounds me.  I’m still waiting to exhale.

Aside from going to school, I’ve decided to make other changes in my life. It’s come to my attention that my eating habits mimic that of an 15 year old boy. I didn’t think it was all that bad, until I looked down and realized that I can’t see the tip of my toes. There is this thing in the way called my gut and it’s quite disgusting. Yea, I’m sure you wanted to know that, sorry. But it gets worse. I took a good long look at myself in the mirror and was surprised to see that my once flawless skin has become discolored and reminds me of sand paper. No good people. Where did my youth go? What happened to the times where I could go out without makeup? Or when I could literally eat whatever was in front of me and have it take a good year to gain a pound. Oh life is just not fair to me.

It okay though, the first step towards recovery is admission…I suppose you’re waiting on me to do just that huh? Okay, I’m a snacker and I have a problem. I will eat the remainder of my childs nutter butters, when I go into the kitchen to get a glass of water I pick up a fruit rollup instead. Yea, I’m a snacker alright. There’s free pop for us at work and I take full advantage of that luxury. So much so that the rest of my co-workers don’t touch the mountain dew.

Now that all of that is out of the way. I’m calling the gym, like now. As I type this there’s the horrible elevator music (thank goodness for Ipods!)and waiting for the bubble 20 something with no kids, rock hard abs, and boyfriend who looks like John Cena (my other love)to get back on the phone and set up my consultation. Hmmm…you know, I really don’t like the gym, there’s just to many non fat people there. I’d feel more comfortable if there were more fat people like me on the treadmill.

I have been a googling fool lately! I’ve been all over the net reading articles and researching effective ways to save money, make money, lose weight, and eat properly. I have to tell you that it’s been very interesting to say the least. I have taken more notes in the past week than I have in my entire life and that does not include school related work. I found some really good information on fitness and health from here and some fairly descent receipes from over here. So far I haven’t implimented the advise, mainly because I am trying to wait until I am offically moved into my new home and close to a gym so that I can get everything started all at once. Huh, when I read that sentence to myself it sounds like a crap load of excuses, but I promise you, that’s not true. In my opinion timing is everything. The one thing that I have started doing is drinking more water. As a matter of fact I have eliminate pop all together. While I can’t tell that drinking water has caused me to lose any weight, I can say that I am more focused and energectice than I have been in a very long time. Cheers to water!

I found two great finanical sites that specifically cater to women, so when you have the chance, check them out. Ms. Money and Womens WallStreet. More on that later…

I’m getting rid of the car, yep you heard me. I’m going to start taking the bus from here on out. Looking on the bright side of it all it’s a great way to save the environment and I can get some much needed exercise! Oh and I’m saving about 400.00  (car note, insurance, and maintenence) a month. Good deal huh? Yea, that’s what I’m thinking. Yea me!

My interview went fairly well and I think that I have a j-o-b. I don’t want to get a head of myself but it seems as if things are beginning to look up. Still I have to remember to take things one prayer at a time, one day at a time.

I’ve never been one to admit to my mistakes, but in order to progress, it’s not a bad idea. I’m wrong a lot. I do things that I’m absolutely positive that I shouldn’t and even though I know their wrong I continue to do them. I’m told that it takes 21 days to break a habit…wish me luck!

This post has absolutely nothing to do with school or kids. I was thinking about my appearance lately and how I’ve become so comfortable with married life that I sort of let myself go.  Feeling sexy again is something that I am looking forward to. My plans are to begin working out again and going out more. I’m doing these things more for my own self esteem than for the sake of getting a date. I miss walking into a room and getting attention. I miss waking up in the morning and feeling good about walking around nude (when the kids weren’t home) now gravity is pulling everything down…AT 25!!! Can you believe that or am I just in denial?

3O days from now I’m going to be in a much better state than I am now. It’s all about consistency, motivation, and determination. Considering the fact that I’m about to get a divorce and am on the verge of believing that no man will EVER want me again, I have more motivation that I think I need….

I’m a 25 year old mother of two, and a former army wife (since May 2), and for most of my adult life that has been fine with me.  Not anymore. I’m more than just a mother and wife. I’m a woman and as of June 25, 2007 I will be a student. I want to be a lawyer one day. I’m far from law school, but it is in my horizon. I can feel it in my soul.

Why law? I’ve witnessed injustice most of my life and while I know that I cannot single handedly change the world on my own, I would like to think that I played a major part in it. Someday. I want to practice family law. My husband is going through a nasty heartbreaking visitation battle and I don’t want another father to know what it’s like, not to have access to his child.

 This blog, hopefully will document my journey from being just a mother, and only a wife to an mother, wife, and attorney. I love my family, but this is about discovering my limits and possibilities. It’s about me becoming more than I already am.