Coming Up For Air!
It has been a hectic week to say the least. It all started on Sunday when my mom convinced me to bring the kids to GA while I handle the pending divorce. I have to say that I miss my children immensily, but they are better off having fun and getting spoiled with grandma.
School also started this week and already I am having a hard time keeping track of everything that’s going on. I am however, loving every moment of it. I know that I will reap the benefits of having a college degree in the very near future. I’m also working on my finances, but without a job I’m limited on what I am able to do. I feel my pride screaming in my ear as I comtemplate applying for government financial assistance, BUT if a job doesn’t happen soon that maybe my only option. I’m not above asking for help when I really need it, I just hate to admit that I slipped up and wasn’t financially educated enough to handle paying the bills and keeping our heads above water. Lesson learned…the hard way.
Parenting Frustrations
I can’t get kid #2 to want to learn to read. He’s suppose to be heading into first grade, but at the rate he’s going I think it’s best to hold him back. It’s frustrating because we all have such a love for learning in this house…except K2. His attention span is short and he just doesn’t want to do the work. His teacher and I came up with so many ideas on how to get him to enjoy learning. We’ve tried giving him verbal praise to allowing him to earn points that would eventually lead to a surprise and nothing is working.
The moment I sit down to give him a worksheet his bright eyes grow dim and he starts to cry. My heart is breaking for my child and I don’t know what to do. I feel awful for making him do something that he doesn’t want to do, but it’s not an option for him not to get an education. Does anyone having suggestions on what to do?
All work and Vin Diesel
School starts on Monday, but I have the opportunity to get some work done a little early and that’s what I’ve been doing these last few days. So far things are off to a good start. I’m worried about memorizing the important things….excuse me, but as I write this post I’m watching the pacifier with Vin Diesel and I’m drooling on myself! That man makes changing a crappy diaper look damn good! Can we all take a moment and thank GOD for creating such a sexy human being? He should have been so many things in my life, like my boyfriend or even my boy toy. I could deal with just having him around for my own personal pleasure. Hell, who needs committment anyway? Nuff said.
Okay, back to more important issues. Like I was saying, I’m worried about the amount of information I am able to store. Was it hard for anyone else to distinguish the important information from the non-important things? It may just be me, yea I’m sure it’s me. I’m spending way to much time having night dreams of Vin (we’re on a first name basis!) and not enough time for anything else. My priorities are so screwed up.
Decisions, Decisions
Instead of searching for scholarships and grants to help me pay for school I’m blogging. Go figure!
I’m a bit more optimistic today than I was yesterday, although there are a few things that are weighing heavily on my mind, but I’ll get through it. I just want my family and I to be at a place where life is less stressful and we can appreciate one another. Anyway, school’s a week away and already I have to miss the first day of class because of a previous appointment. No worries though I just have to email my instructor and I’ll be fine…I hope!
I have to go to school part-time for a year in order to have financial aid cover the cost of my education. This really sucks because I wanted to go full-time, I just can’t afford it. I have the opportunity to get full financial aid if I decide to go to school in my previous state instead of my current one. The problem is that I would have to take all on-line course and I’m just not sure if I have the discipline to do so. Not to mention that from previous experience with this particular school, getting additional help outside of the classroom isn’t all that great. School in OH starts on the 25Th while school in GA starts on the 24Th of August. I don’t have much time to make a decision…darn choices!
My promise
I’m promising myself that in one year I will be in a much better place than I am now. I will be stronger, more reliable, and a better mother to my children. Right now, I feel as if I am constantly failing them and saying I am sorry will only go so far. I wish that I could set this goal to an earlier date, but I can’t, there’s just too much adversity facing me right now and I need to time to think, plan, and make positive things happen for me. I’m tired of being afraid, but I am more fed up with not being able to pay bills, and put food on the table. I’m so poor that I can’t even live paycheck to paycheck…I could appreciate life so much better if I could do just that. I’m willing to fall down and crawl in order to get out of the rut that I am in now. I just want this part of my life to be over
When Life Gives You Lemons…Have Faith.
My car gone, I’m broke, I need a job, I can’t afford to go to school full-time, I’m getting a divorce, and my life is falling apart. So now what? I’ll tell ya what, I remain steadfast in my faith and come out of this not slightly unscathed. I hope.
I’m not as devoted a christian as I would like to be, but I pray and I have faith. Going on the notion that faith moves moutains can actually be what I need to get through the pressures of simply being and not actually living. I’ll get through these trail and tribulations. These are just lessons that I am learning, unfortunately I am learning them the hard way. The substandard part of me wants to drink, and sleep the days away in hopes that when I come out of my alcohol induced coma, life with be a roses and ladybugs (or something like that) but the little angel sitting on my shoulder is convincing me to be strong and go through the motions that is life and it will be okay. We’ll see
What the hell am I thinking?
I’m starting to question my ability to be able to balance school, work (if I can find a job), kids, and a very difficult husband. I’ve been under worse conditions, but it’s been 7 long years since I’ve cracked open a book even remotely related to school. How does a person prepare for this? Law school is sooooo far away so I’ve been trying to focus mainly on the AARTS degree and I’m scared. I can’t seem to find anyone that can relate to my situation, everyone has already been there done that and aren’t willing to share the experience with me. 
Aghhhh!!!!
With all of that being said I have to share the funny moments in my life to balance this madness out…
MJ: “Mommy, do you think that Dinosaurs have ears?”
Me: “Umm…I think so, how else would they hear?”
MJ: “Trust me they do, because I have a big head with a lotta brain and I know!”
Blogging rocks!
I’ve only been blogging for a few days, but already I like it! I’ve been trolling the internet looking for blogs similiar to mine (adults preparing to go back to school). It’s a little daunting because I’m not sure what to put in the search field. SOOOOOO if any one person comes across my blog a few pointers would be nice. Thankyouverymuch.
On to other things. I’m trying to prepare for school for weeks now and I’m not closer to developing study habits then when I was in high school. I digress. I’m excited still, but a little doubtful of my true capabilities. I don’t wanto fail. I want to do the opposite. See, it’s not just about succeeding and going to lawschool it’s about overcoming the road blocks that I’ve set for myself. I know that other people set standards, but not me. For some reason I don’t do that. I just simply seek the worst in myself and try to overcome that. I’m working on improving my self esteem and hopefully my way of thinking will become much better.
Peace out!
I could use a drink after this…
I didn’t deem it necessary to actually begin posting until school started. That way I could see my progress in the form of my own words. BUT I have realized that the transition that I am making deserves to be documented in from all areas of my life-by the way, isn’t all that exciting.
Last night as the kids were preparing for their bath my daughter mentioned that she didn’t want to take a bath upstairs. You see, my son was getting a bath downstairs and it’s my husband’s “job” to run his bath water. Instead of telling my daughter that he didn’t feel like going upstairs after a 12 hour shift, he proceeded to argue with her. Now, I’m all for duking it out with an 8 year to get my point across, especially when the point I am trying to make is a lie (note the sarcasm here) but last night wasn’t the best time to schedule such an event, I mean after all I could have sent my son out to sale tickets and made a decent profit. Yes it was just that damn dramatic. I consider myself to be the spokesperson for childrens rights in my home so I quickly stepped to her defense. I explained to her that “daddy is just too tired to go upstairs and run the water for your brother, so if you don’t mind, be the bigger person and go upstairs,” and she did just that. What’s the problem you say? Well my husband decided that it wasn’t okay to remedy the situation, instead it would have benefited all of us if I would have just sat quietly while he raised his voice to my child (and she is really mine, he’s not her biological father). For being the middleman I got a remote thrown at me and was to shut the fuck up. Yea, he so loves me. I have a several problems with this. 1- He lied to her. It has been my experience as a parent that it’s much easier to be honest, rather than lie and make up excuses. It makes you look like an idiot in the long run. 2- He was yelling and there was no cause for it. Granted this is a strong willed little girl and she isn’t happy until her point is made, however simply stating the facts and requesting that she take a bath upstairs would have done the trick. I some times forget that he has never been a parent before and it was only when we started to seriously date that he was ever around small children. I blame myself for subjecting my children to this type of environment. As I review this post towards the end I feel that I am making up excuses for him. I’m not. Really. It’s just coming to the point where he needs to take parenting classes. My children are not little soldiers and he’s not a drill sargent. And I will not allow him to treat my daughter differently than he does my daughter. I don’t give a crap how much more he can relate to a boy (he doesn’t have any sisters or neices). Oh wow, I see major changes about to take place in my house and it certainly isn’t just me going back to school!
Ok, here goes
I’m a 25 year old mother of two, and a former army wife (since May 2), and for most of my adult life that has been fine with me. Not anymore. I’m more than just a mother and wife. I’m a woman and as of June 25, 2007 I will be a student. I want to be a lawyer one day. I’m far from law school, but it is in my horizon. I can feel it in my soul.
Why law? I’ve witnessed injustice most of my life and while I know that I cannot single handedly change the world on my own, I would like to think that I played a major part in it. Someday. I want to practice family law. My husband is going through a nasty heartbreaking visitation battle and I don’t want another father to know what it’s like, not to have access to his child.
This blog, hopefully will document my journey from being just a mother, and only a wife to an mother, wife, and attorney. I love my family, but this is about discovering my limits and possibilities. It’s about me becoming more than I already am.
